"If you take a problem, turn it into prayer, God promises peace." Pastor Todd Mullins, Lead Pastor Christ Fellowship
Normally, when you find out you are having a baby you're trying, so when the pregnancy test turns into a positive you're elated, you're excited for the test to be that result. Maybe you've spent months trying, maybe you've spent hundreds of dollars on ovulation tests & pregnancy tests, tried every position, listened to your great aunt's advice on what worked for her back in the day.
You're usually ecstatic.
But for me, this test....brought me to my knees in tears, not in a great way. I saw those pink lines, those positive signs, the word "pregnant" and I felt an instant anxiety attack.
I have three kids. My baby is just 1. We don't have an extra room. Where will this baby sleep?
I just lost all the baby weight. I don't want to gain weight again. I don't want to be uncomfortable. I don't want _____.
I was back to the selfish attitude. I felt like I had already sacrificed and I had come to terms with that, and now God was asking me to do this all over again.
My heart was heavy. My mind was everywhere. But all I could do was continue being mom to my three kids and keep planning Hayden's first birthday party we were celebrating that weekend.
So that's what I did for 2.5 days. Until I walked into church Saturday night and I could finally be Brittanie. I could finally allow my emotions run, my heart feel, my soul cry out to God about this next chapter in our life. With my husband beside me, I wept.
I raised my hands, I surrendered my heart, I gave up my panic, my stress, my anxiety and I asked God to just help me see what He needed, what He wanted, and who He needed me to be.
I cried. I mean bawling in the worship session. and it felt AMAZING. As weird as it is to explain, I felt like i was right in God's arms and He was telling me: "Child, what I have for you is so much greater than anything you could think of. I have a child who needs you, loves you and you will raise, I have another child I trust you with."
It was a surreal feeling.
Then Pastor Todd took the stage and started to share in sermon with us for the night. That sermon was all about PRAYER. PANIC. PEACE. and it was exactly the sermon our hearts needed to hear.
I had been in panic and anxiety mode for 2.5 days because I hadn't been able to take a moment and HEAR HIS VOICE to hear His words calm my heart and remind me of my purpose, His plan for my life and His promise not to give me more than I could handle.
I prayed. I prayed for Him to take my panic.
I turned my problem into a prayer and I left with a feeling of peace.
In 2015, I went through a very spiritual year of growth....a year of surrendering my vision of what my life was going to look like and was obedient. And during that year, I remember writing down "and who knows maybe this obedience isn't about this baby, but another baby" and part of me knew, God wasn't done with our family with Hayden, but I was terrified to believe He needed more of me, from me but most of all I didn't believe He HAD MORE FOR ME.
But today, I'm thankful for that obedience in 2015 because it has brought us Hayden, our family closer and I feel every day, more purposeful because I know I am right where God has me.
I turned my panic into prayer and God gave me peace.
Philippians 4:6-7
“Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.”
(thoughts from August 12)