This is a hard post to write, I won't lie.
Partially because I feel guilty and partially because I don't want to offend anyone who is struggling with infertility or has in the past. But I want to be open, honest and I'm sure I am not alone in these feelings.
When we first found out about this baby, I was more overwhelmed than excited. I was more worried about what I was giving up, what my kids would give up, what our family was going to have to give up instead of focusing on what a joy this baby was going to bring to our family. All I could think of was weight gain, hormones and pushing a baby out of that little itty bitty hole again. I was just thinking of everything that was going to change or I had to sacrifice.
I remember I almost had a panic attack, I raced upstairs into Hayden's room and started folding laundry and putting toys away just to get rid of some nervous energy.
I was terrified. And the next 6 weeks....I just felt pregnant, I was going through the motions of it and trying my best to eat food, focus on my tasks as mom and wife and survive a hurricane. I really didn't think about it much anymore...I didn't think about anything negative or positive.
The pregnancy was just kind of there.
Until September 20, when I saw that baby on the screen at 12 weeks.
Until I saw that baby punch.
Until I saw that baby kick.
Until I saw that heartbeat.
Until I saw that beautiful miracle, God's gift, a precious life that I was blessed enough to borrow and raise.
It wasn't until I opened my eyes and saw the miracle, did I realize what actually was happening.
This wasn't a baby given to us to change everything in our world. It was a baby given to us to ENHANCE OUR LIFE.
This baby was going to make Hayden a big sister and give her a playmate for life. This baby could Grayson a baby brother and a companion for life. This baby was going to give Brooklynn another sibling to care for and love. This baby was going to change me for the better. This baby was part of God's plan....and you would think I would know by now, God's plans are ALWAYS better than anything we can dream up.
Sure, there will be some changes, some sacrifices along the way but at the risk of gaining so much more and fulfilling God's plan for our family. God doesn't promise an easy life, an easy ride without trials, changes and sacrifices but He does promise that all things are used for the greater good, for His plan.
At first I wasn't sure. At first I felt guilty for having more kids. At first I felt anxious and overwhelmed. But now, I feel extremely blessed, thankful, excited and so in love with this little baby.
It was love at second sight, just needed a fresh perspective and a little heart beat to help me get there. <3
