Our house is stressful right now.
We have 3 kids. I am pregnant. My husband is traveling often. We are planning and organizing a huge move across the country. Our twins just celebrated their 5th birthday, the holidays are coming up...there is TENSION AND CHAOS.
On top of the day to day, we are trying to get in last minute dinners, visits and events with our friends and favorite events down here, we've been here for 7 years and have grown our family --- it won't be quick and easy to leave, it's a lot.
These social events all sound great to my extroverted husband who can focus on one thing at a time and BE present where he is most of the time but for this introverted trying to do it all momma, this is emotionally draining on all levels.
When i am with my kids, I constantly think about work that needs to be done, a house to be cleaned, laundry to start, boxes to pack, parties to plan, doctor visits to schedule.....
When I am doing the above, I feel guilty that I am not doing more, that I'm not being super mom, that I am not following commitment on something else.
I feel like I am constantly letting someone down. And in the mean time, I'm not getting the necessary quiet time I need to reset myself, to re-energize myself, to fill my cup and I'm not the wife and mom I know I am.....
....this all leads to me FAILING at everything instead of doing well at one thing....or putting my focus on my to do list over my kids. That's hard to even write, even harder to realize it today.
Today, I had all 3 kids home, my husband was out of town.... I had scheduled the kids doctor appointments ALL AT ONCE to make things easier (we all know doctor visits are never quick and easy!)...and I was dreading this yesterday, the thought of losing the morning with just Hayden drove me crazy, knowing nothing was going to "get done" was kind of debilitating...but today was the best day I have had in probably over a week. I had no agenda but them. I didn't make a list, I had no expectations on how the day would go.
I wasn't short with them. I was patient.
I wasn't looking at a list to complete while they were playing, instead I got on the floor to play.
I wasn't quick to put them to bed. We said prayers, read books and chatted about how brave they were today with their shots.
I wasn't the mom I have been over the last week; but today I was.
It was the best day I have had and the best I have felt in a week.
Nothing changed, besides the rainbow I saw on the way to the doctor's office, which I think subconsciously made me realize that God is here, He hears me, He sees me, He knows I needed a little hug today going into today.
We threw away a schedule...
I threw away a to do list and chose to focus all my energy on my kids...I may not have crossed anything really of the list today but I was mom 100% and I have 3 healthy, happy, Jesus loving kiddos alseep upstairs. I accomplished a mountain today. I accomplished motherhood.
This is super hard to write, super hard to admit....that my day feels productive when I am only checking things off a list, but really I just need to be patient with my kids, I need to write play with my kids on my list, I need to write color with my kid, eat all meals with my kids, put phone away in the evening on my check list...I need to readjust my to do list and put the important things on there and cross those things off....
I need to refocus my energy more onto my kids and make my day's success on how I was mom to them instead of how many things I checked off my to do list.
I usually feel like I need more help with the kids to accomplish all I want to do, but maybe I need to take things off my plate instead. Just like today.
So my prayer tonight, tomorrow morning is God can help me shift my energy, shift how I see my worth in a day --- from to do list checker off to patient mom who goes to bed knowing I accomplished the most important things in the day.
Laundry may sit.
Dishes may stay.
Messages and emails may be missed.
Posts may not go up.
Floors will stay messy.
And I may not get a shower....
but...my kids are healthy, my kids are live and I am going to bed with a FULL HEART at the end of the day instead of going to bed EMPTY.
Now....to figure out a way to balance it all ;) Stay tuned for the journey to saying no to things but saying yes to my kids!